The twilight years: from helpmates to heartmates   

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3)

A lifetime is comprised of many seasons. In its final season, aging and dying, many things are happening, some of which are obvious while others hidden. This is particularly true when our loved one is dying, such as between spouses. Too often our relationship with them becomes more of doing rather than loving. There is increased dependence upon the healthy spouse to aid them in ordinary everyday life functions. From that, this spouse takes on the role of caretaker. Yet too easily their relationship can also digress to that of helper and doer, rather than love. 

Unknown or misunderstood is the beauty of together walking this journey of aging and dying. It is an opportunity for transformation of the heart, one in which you and your loved one’s hearts are in union together. This is a bond you will carry forward into eternity. At a time where it may seem like life is falling apart, it is actually the last and greatest opportunity to bond closely with one another. With this as your focus each day, the duties and tasks fall into place; attachment to lifestyle easily dissipates. You begin to find joy even in their most irritating habits. 

It is unfortunate that in our modern world husbands and wives, although living together, often have separate lives. They come and go day in, day out, giving their spouse ‘equal time’ amongst their activities and friendships. This final season of life is a time to bring all of that to a halt and instead live out the sacramental grace of the marriage to its fullest.

The unconscious struggle

At the same time, there is some mourning that a person goes through as they see the end is near, even before dying unto eternal life. Often the frustrations and battles people face in this season are due in part to not realizing they are already in mourning. They are aware that the changes they see in themselves and their loved one signal a winding down of life. But they are unaware of the psychological and physical changes that unconsciously disrupt their peace. This unrest typically manifests into confused emotions, increased controlling behaviors in a futile attempt to thwart changes that are inevitable, or refusing to accept the reality that aging and dying bring. There needs to be acceptance so that conscious mourning can begin. 

That acceptance is easier when one understands their own experience of this dying process. Part of this mourning that will happen now is that, in this relationship, the brain and neural pathways formed a “we” between the spouses. It’s no longer ‘you and me’; to the brain, it’s ‘we’.  For those who have been married a long time, this  ‘we’ is as cemented as it could ever be. For younger people only married a few years, it isn’t as cemented but still exists. Shared life experiences further concretize this. 

When people experience the changes caused by aging in themselves or their loved one, and especially in dying, this ‘we’ is being destabilized.  Part of this is based in the nature of the interactions changing. A marriage once busy with lifestyle activities now sees one spouse taking on a caretaking role for the other (typically wives, as they outlive their husbands). As a wife performs increasing caretaking of her husband, her brain will be expecting interactions with her husband in the same manner as in the past, and that expectation isn’t fulfilled. The brain must be rewired to no longer expect ‘we’, and that simply takes time. It needs to change from a physical relationship of ‘we’ to a spiritual ‘we’ in which she talks with and ask intercession from him in Heaven. 

The body also must adjust. After death of her husband, the wife’s body no longer will sense the chemistry of his body near her (“our house seems so empty now”). Her senses must adjust. She will no longer hear his voice, see him, smell him, touch him. Some of this adjustment takes place while dying because they are decreasingly able-bodied. A synchronicity also develops between people who live together long-term. That too is being destabilized because their way of living together in the home is different due to the change in her husband’s physical condition. 

Thus, that ‘we’ is being destabilized now bodily, sensorily, and in the ‘programming’ of the brain. This is especially so if spouses are separated, such as one being in a nursing or hospice facility. Understanding that there is a visceral reaction occurring to these life changes will help both the caretaking spouse and the aging or dying person to be gentle on themselves, recognizing they are in transition and that this transition actually has a physical component.

Living heart-to-heart

By being aware of these changes, you will be more able to live each day heart-to-heart with your loved ones. A goal might be to begin each day saying, “how can I give my heart to him so that we can live with our hearts together today?”.  Then self-monitor thoughts as you go through your day. Examen them at the end of the day. What thoughts arose that were my old way of thinking? Start catching yourself when you are in your old way of thinking during the day and redirect your thoughts toward heart-to-heart thinking. Endeavor to live each day with your heart in union with his. 

The valiant one whose steps are guided by the Lord, who will delight in his way, may stumble, but he will never fall, for the Lord holds his hand. (Psalm 37:23-24)

Another area of tension that commonly arises is when the caretaking spouse tries to encourage the aging spouse to engage in reasonable self-care in order to live as healthy as possible during decline. Objectively, this encouragement is good. It becomes problematic when their self-care is your priority over living in that union of your two hearts. So you will want to live with a holy indifference. Be accepting of what God permits, even when He permits your loved one to not take care of themselves as they ought. This will leave you open to embracing the mystery of Divine Providence. We are all living this mystery every day. Continue to ask God to allow you to help your loved one as He wants. Be accepting of the reality of that. Pray to God that whatever your loved one needs this day, he receives. Don’t forget he is a mystery too, the mystery of the human person. Embrace the mystery, the unknown, and the uncertainty that comes with it, trusting in God who works all things for the good (Romans 8:28). 

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam 😊

(Image by Cottonbro Studios from Pexels)