Stalemate

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The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts (James 5:4)

 There’s that tone of voice that seems void of all affection. And the words seem particularly chosen to imply she thinks she knows what I think or know.  As the conversation progresses, it becomes clear she’s been talking to the others (although not acknowledging so). I can remember a time when we were younger, that we could be open with one another. No misperceptions or fears about how the other might interpret what is said. Now the opposite: I can’t say anything without it being misconstrued in a crazy way. Or turned into gossip by her. I want to love her, but I can’t even talk to her without feeling manipulated, mistreated and upset. Plus knowing the deep pain in her heart makes me want to help her all the more.

 And we remain in a stalemate.

 Sound familiar? Everyone has one or more of these relationships in their life. It may be family members you can successfully avoid until the holidays. Or it may be someone in your own home, and the stalemate becomes the ‘elephant in the room’ day in, day out. Stalemates take place in the workplace too. Our default is to try to help the other person change.

 The reason the relationship never changes isn’t because they haven’t changed; it’s because I haven’t changed.

And after spending some amount of time trying to ‘help’ them change, I finally decide to examine myself more honestly. What is that little bit of unrest I feel? It can’t be my conscience, as I am sure I am right and she’s wrong 😊 Later in my prayers, I step away from my usual pleas on her behalf, those petitions that I think are in her best interest. And I work on me instead. My examen made one thing clear: saying I love her isn’t the same as loving her. I definitely don’t feel the love and have got to admit it to God because He wants us to love all His children. I need to ask Him for Love, a gift only He can give.

 But where will it be stored if my ‘vessel’ is full of my own baggage? I examen the thoughts and emotions I experienced in our last encounter and talk to Him about ‘why’. Why was this my default reaction? A big part of my reaction is my hurt feelings, as I expect her to care about me and my needs too. After all, we are family, so she is supposed to care about me.

 The problem is that we can only love others to the extent of our own brokenness. It is like trying to draw blood from a stone. I seek to make her into someone she is not and, without her own healing, not yet capable of being.

 The next step is to go back to the core teachings of my Faith. God doesn’t need us but wants us anyway which means His love is whole and wholly unconditional. And He commands that I love Him first, then love others as He has loved me. Which means my love for them must be unconditional, without expectations of them loving me back even if they are family.

 Being commanded to love God first above others sounds like a selfish God, but the opposite is true. It is a God whose love for us is endless because He is Love, and He is infinite. God loves the other people in my life as much as He loves me. He wants unconditional love for them by me; He wants to see them loved. For that to happen, He must first teach me to be loved and to be love. So first I must love God with all my heart and soul. Unconditionally, without placing limitations on Him. Then I can do the same for others in my life. He does this for me, not for Himself, because it is best for me.

 Now in conversations I can truly listen with a pure heart. Any implication in her words, or lack of concern for me, simply increases my love for her as I understand the distress in her soul behind this. And my prayers to God for her are no longer weighted down with my baggage. They are free to rise and be carried on the breath of the angels to warm His ears.

 “And so, when you and your daughter-in-law Sarah prayed, I brought a reminder of your prayer before the Holy One; and when you buried the dead, I was likewise present with you. When you did not hesitate to rise and leave your dinner in order to go and lay out the dead, your good deed was not hidden from me, but I was with you. So now God sent me to heal you and your daughter-in-law Sarah. I am Raphael, one of the seven holy angels who present the prayers of the saints and enter into the presence of the glory of the Holy One.” (Tobias 12:12-15)

 Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam 😊